looking for butterflies-chronicles for the lonely

I honestly don't even know where to begin.

I want to be careful how I phrase myself because I don't want to draw, welcome, or attract negative energy.

Yet, I gotta say: I'm pretty lonely right now, world.

High achievers, movers, shakers, builders, disruptors...

The passionate, the public presence, the thought leader...

Appearances can live up to their assumptions, and sometimes they can't.

It takes a special unit, a unique group, a peculiar network to ride with us.

What's more, life remains life-ing as we push hard and glide fast for good trouble.

For me it's been all the things.

Wreckless loss.

Kinfolk connections to smithereens

My Papi incapacitated & bed bound

Paths on quick pivot

Tears flowing as fast as my bars

The dichotomy and juxtaposition of the best of times and the worst of times.

Once in a room full of community, now glaring at empty seats, and empty glasses, and loud silence-remiss if I haven't been choked by grief by this current scene.

Complicated grief

The longing remains to be a space-holder in friendship

A family strand in the fabric of our collective blanket that should keep us forever warm

Left without choice, and perhaps warning to look for glimmers in my painstaking loneliness and despair that is attempting to gnaw at my insides that are still radiant and desirous, holy and delightful when considered and allowed, and even beckoned to surface.

In my isolation era. A New Cocoon.

Weekly, I fly the W's & bless my wins as they are STILL abundant---Bless Jehovah

Daily, I let go of resistance

Hourly, I search for gratitude

By the seconds, I take a new breath to believe

I'm with you today if you feel this way at all

We just gotta hang tight

Storms pass

Nights transition to dawn

Valleys have their point of end

What I'm learning here: Resist less, embrace the silence and space, welcome suffering if it's invited itself.

Soon-it will do its work

As I do the inner-work

For the sake of others

For the sake of the call

Until then-

I breathe

I cry

I release

I heal

I walk

I talk

I write

I advocate both for myself and others

I stay believing

Hope-filled

Honored to still be alive and woken up each morning

Hand over heart

Head lifted in praise to the Maker

This too shall pass my mama used to tell me

Pass it shall, pass it shall.

I'm doing this thing where I'm looking for butterflies everywhere. Training my brain to see them as a gentle nudge on the soul's shoulder, a spirit tap that beauty still surrounds.

Metamorphosis is still the prophecy, and neurogenesis remains my faithful companion

I'm literally witnessing a cataclysmic amount of butterflies everywhere I once never noticed, yet they were always with me.

Pick something for your brain to trace to press love buttons in your heart's valve, promising you fulfillment and nature's abrazo.

I love you so much-more than you'll ever know---here's to hoping you'll love me back----this is my deepest craving, my most rawest confession right now.

Be well as I chase wellness, and look for butterflies.

Sofia ----aka----Mrs. G.